//
you're reading...

Open Thread on Addiction & Recovery

I know that sometimes just having someone tell you that they understand what you’re going through is a huge comfort, and being able to provide support to people suffering from addiction helps keep sober people sober. This page is for us to talk about our experiences with addiction and/or recovery and to offer support to those who are struggling.

Please know that this page, and this whole site, is not staffed by addiction specialists and is not affiliated with Intervention in any way. It’s just a place to talk.  I will do my best to make sure this thread is a safe space by moderating the comments closely. I won’t publish comments from people trolling or being turds.

-Dizzy

Categories: Updates

Discussion

39 Responses to “Open Thread on Addiction & Recovery”

  1. Thanks for providing a relatively safe place for fans of the show & fellow addicts to talk about things

    Posted by Ash | May 5, 2015, 10:51 pm
    • Hi everyone. My boyfriend is recently coming to grips with a klonopin/ativan/benzo addiction after a stint in the behavioral health emergency services at the hospital. He is very early in understanding addiction. I am looking for an episode of Intervention to show him that 1) may not have a huge triggering event (he says he has none, though I believe a traumatic divorce might be part of it) 2) illustrates how a loving family is affected by addiction and 3) an addict he might relate to–as he thinks his problem isn’t bad because he doesn’t “snort or take handfuls of pills,” he can’t really see how it is still abuse. I know this is a long shot, but does anyone have any suggestions for me? He keeps waffling on getting treatment and I love him dearly and want him to get better.

      Posted by Carmen | June 12, 2016, 5:29 pm
      • Carmen- I think the episode with Danielle is a very powerful example of an addict who uses pain meds without injecting or snorting, and has a disfunctional family on one hand with her parents, and a loving family in her husband and children. It’s one of my favorite episodes… at least up until the last two minutes or so! Good luck!

        Posted by Lagaya1 | June 12, 2016, 11:32 pm
      • I think Katie Y. would be a good one. No trigger, good family deeply affected, lots of denial and thinking that at least she’s not like ‘other addicts’ http://intervention-directory.com/2015/03/episode-185-katie-y/

        Posted by Dizzy | June 14, 2016, 7:44 am
  2. So, I guess I will start. I’ve been abusing opiates (Dilaudid mostly)for about 5 years now, and no one in my life knows. Like, nobody. I am a pretty high functioning addict, and have had clean periods, but for the last year I’ve been using more and more. I really want to stop, but like most other addicts, I just can’t. I’ve been going to university, and recently applied to another program, hoping a change and a new location would be a good motivation to stop, but I know that is pretty delusional. In a weird way, I am sort of jealous of some Intervention addicts who have their addicts out in the open, because hiding it feels horrible; I feel like a fraud. At the same time, I know telling my parents would be a disaster. Anyway, sorry for the diatribe (and lack of paragraphs), just looking for a little advice/ commiseration.

    Posted by Danielle | May 6, 2015, 4:54 pm
    • Hi Danielle. I can relate. If you’re not ready to go to a meeting, I think that telling someone in your life who you trust will be the first step toward quitting. It’s impossible to get clean when no one knows you have a problem – it’s just too easy to keep convincing yourself that it’s ok, that you don’t have to quit yet. Addict brain is an amazingly powerful thing. Having another person in your life who knows what’s going on makes it harder to convince yourself of all the things your addiction is telling you. That’s my experience anyway. The only times I’ve successfully gotten sober are when I let someone in.

      Posted by Dizzy | May 7, 2015, 6:42 pm
      • I know you are right. And sometimes I think, well, if I’ve managed to keep it a secret this long, maybe it really isn’t a problem. But then I remember, wait, the reason it’s taking me so long to finish school, and the reason I never have any money, and the reason I have not had a boyfriend in years is… drugs. So yeah, it’s a huge problem. Not to mention the depression and shame that seems to be getting worse. I’m not sure I’m ready to tell my family, but I do have a dear friend (non-drug user) who I trust, and I really think I’m going to tell her. I need to start somewhere.

        Posted by Danielle | May 11, 2015, 11:30 am
    • Danielle, been exactly where you are. In fact, had I never been arrested copping dope, I don’t think anyone would’ve ever found out.

      some people never let their addiction outwardly affect their life. But in my case, even with a $25 an hour job, I just got to a point where I no longer could keep all the plates spinning.

      Posted by crystal | May 10, 2015, 5:49 am
      • Oh my god, Crystal, I don’t know what I would do if I got found out that way, but it’s far from impossible, because I’m not completely getting pills legally. It’s totally exhausting pretending to be normal, and I don’t even have a real, full-time job like it sounds like you had/have. I go to a big university, and I think that makes it easier to cover up drug use, because if I miss a class or two, no one really notices.

        I hope things have worked out for you.

        Posted by Danielle | May 11, 2015, 11:40 am
      • Yes its a very exausting and huge worries trying to keep everything normal,keep the “plates spinning” coulnt have said it better myself!!

        Posted by April | January 17, 2017, 9:57 pm
    • Danielle,

      Omg, I’m exactly in the same boat as you are. I’m a school teacher and is do not trust anyone. I would love to exchange emails so we can chat privately..

      Would you like to do that?

      Posted by Jon | May 17, 2015, 1:10 pm
    • Danielle, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I am a former addictions counselor and Iunderstand the trajectory you find yourself on. Noting the date of your post, I hope by now you have sought help.
      Understand that you are facing a multi-headed issue: Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. You must deal with the physical aspects first and foremost. Five years tells me you have obviously built up a tolerance and will need to detox. I urge you to get admitted to a program where you can be assessed and can make some decisions with professional help about how to go about this. You cannot do it alone as much as you are hoping you can. When people addicted to opioids start messing around with withdrawal on their own, they put themselves in danger of overdose. Fear of getting sick is what keeps most addicted people from getting help. You have to tell yourself that every time you use all you are doing is post-poning the inevitable. You WILL stop at some point. That’s a given. Why not take control of HOW you stop. For some people, death is what finally stops them. have seen it many, many times.
      Shame is the second weapon your addiction will use to keep you addicted and this is the next barrier to getting help. Shame must be over-ridden. You are a human being with a human problem that can and does happen to human beings – that’s all. Do you know why they call addiction a disease? ‘Cause it IS one! Granted, the first times you used it was by choice. But if those first few times, you felt what it feels like to feel “okay” and “comfortable in your own skin” for the first time in your life – well who wouldn’t do it again? After a few weeks (usually) you no longer have a choice – and the disease has kicked in. Your body and brain have been highjacked.
      It takes time to regain control but you can do it – with help. You will learn why you don’t normally feel okay or comfortable in your skin and learn to work on fixing that in a real and meaningful way. You can put the addiction behind you and find a peace you never had as a result of recovery.
      Right now you found an answer – something that works to make you feel whole with very little effort. The problem is that that answer carries a huge price tag – your health, well-being and your mortality. Why not take a chance and find an answer that will enhance your life and give you a future.
      Life is a journey and the obstacles before us once overcome, become our biggest triumphs. Leading us into greatness and understanding that we didn’t know was possible. Addiction is one of these and it holds within it a rare and amazing gift if only you don’t hide from confronting it.
      Ask any recovering addict – though hard, rrecovery from addiction will have been the greatest positive force in their lives. Most of us wouldn’t change a thing…

      Posted by Patricia | August 1, 2015, 10:57 am
    • I too, was an opiate addict & scared to death my parents would disown me if they ever found out. Well, they found out when I had to either call them from the treatment facility I was in or leave. I called because I was tired of living my life how I was (functional addict – whatever that is) I had a GM position at my job, two healthy teenage boys – all the cool stuff…but not sobriety. When I told them, they were in complete shock, and so were my boys. I got full support. Our families only want us healthy and happy. I’m nearing 2 years and life still goes on. Everything has changed in my life but one thing….my family continues to support me today. Pretty good stuff.

      Posted by Chris | February 14, 2017, 1:23 pm
  3. I am a prescription pill addict and ended up on methadone in a treatment center. I have been on methadone for almost 16 years and prescription pills probably 10 years before that and since the age of 12 have pretty much been dependant on weed, alcohol or something. I cannot afford treatment and i feel i will end up just like these folks. I can’t control my addiction so i know the battle that each of these folks faced everyday. But please know if they felt like i do, hurting your family is the worst part of it all. Sometimes i think it would just be better if i did die so at least my family could begin to heal and would’nt have to deal with my bshit everyday. If any body reads this and may know of a route i could take to try and get clean please let me know. But know i don’t choose to be this way and i know the other addicts did’nt either

    Posted by Michael | May 6, 2015, 6:30 pm
    • I’m so sorry you are suffering so much! Is it financially possible to get yourself into rehab? I could not afford a traditional inpatient rehab program and I was addicted to prescription pain meds, mainly Tramadol. I had no problem getting them until they became controlled. When I ran out, I suffered terrible withdraw symptoms. It became so bad I sought treatment in the ER. I explained my situation and the ER doc referred me to a Suboxone treament center. Now, I do not have insurance and to get started it was expensive. I am lucky enough to have family that is fully supportive and helped me pay to get started. I’m not sure what area you live in, but if you go to http://www.Suboxone.com you can find a provider in your area. My start up fee was $175. Then I paid $45 a week for the first 2 weeks and then $100 a month after I was on a stable dose. All programs vary price wise. They also do drug testing with every visit and check prescription history through the state monitoring system. There are also coupons available on the website to help pay for the medication. I have read on many sites that Suboxone is just trading one addiction for another. That convened me so I talked with my doc about it. He monitors me very close and I am now in the process of weaning off. I also attend 12 step meetings and my doc is actually a psychiatrist so I receive therapy from him as well. Not sure if any of this will be helpful to you, but I thought I would share my story and how I am recovering now. God bless you and I wish you much luck as you figure out your next step!

      Posted by Marilyn | May 6, 2015, 9:31 pm
  4. There isn’t much I can say to anyone struggling with addiction to drugs–namely prescription medications, because my mother has been heavily addicted to those for years and hasn’t been able to get clean. My heart goes out to all of you that want to stop, and I hope that one day you can.
    For me, the problem was with alcohol. I took my first drink at 12, and went down a dangerous path where I lost many nights with no memory of what had happened, and countless friends who just couldn’t take it anymore. I was high functioning, holding multiple jobs and going to school full-time. But my life revolved around drinking and I gave up a lot of things to do it.
    When I was 19, I got an MIP and blew a .20. Spent some time in the hospital, stayed sober for a couple of months but then went back out. Shortly after I turned 20, I realized how much I hated myself and went to a meeting the next day. It’s almost been 4 years, and I’ve never been happier. Now, I try to do open talks whenever I can and have had the opportunity to help others
    Everyone has their own way or path to get there, and it takes different time for everyone. I hope that everyone who is struggling is able to find their way. Maybe do a little google work if you haven’t already to find support groups (online or in person-whatever works) and reach out to someone to acknowledge that you have a problem.
    Best wishes!

    Posted by Samantha R. | May 7, 2015, 4:57 am
  5. Hey everyone. I’ve been reading your website recently, Dizzy, but this is the first time I thought to comment because I too, am an addict. Like a few other people on this thread I abuse pills, not just painkillers but also benzos. Actually, I wonder how many people read this site or watch Intervention constantly are also addicts. I’m guessing quite a few. I’m almost 30 and I’ve been using for most of my 20’s, and I would really love to stop. It is basically to the point where I either need to quit or start doing heroin, because the pills where I live are crazy expensive and I am so broke. Actually, the recent Samantha episode of the show really hit home in a scary way, because her whole life was about lying to people she loved, and that’s how I am . Especially to my dad. He’s a classic “enabler” and he has given me so much money over the years. I don’t know if he really doesn’t know where the money is going or he does not want to. Either way, it’s a terrible situation. I can’t imagine how he will ever trust me again, even if I do get clean. What Michael said upthread rings true to me- hurting your family is the worst part of addiction.

    Posted by Maria A. | May 7, 2015, 5:02 pm
    • Maria, PLEASE don’t start doing heroin. As bad as it is now, it’ll get much worse once you start down that path.

      Posted by Dizzy | May 7, 2015, 7:54 pm
      • Thanks for replying. I know doing heroin would be an atrocious idea, I just think about it sometimes because, as crazy as it is to say, it’s cheaper and sometimes seems like a better option. But of course I know that’s nuts. Even though I’ve been an addict for about 8 years, I’ve never used needles, and that’s probably because I’ve never done heroin. God, withdrawal from pills is bad enough.

        Posted by Maria A. | May 8, 2015, 12:22 pm
  6. I need some relief.

    I recently spent a year living in a house where the group dynamics were pretty toxic. Several personal issues surfaced and my eating disorder tendencies that I’ve been struggling with for about 15 years swung into full force.

    I had a very heavy crush on my housemate; we seemed to have some common interests and similar personalities, and I attached myself to him. Unfortunately this person had both a sibling and a parent who’d each been alcoholics, and he was a recovering co-dependent. I projected so much personal bullshit onto this guy and I wish I could take back a lot of my words and actions. He eventually set boundaries, and I was thankful because I’m not sure I could have otherwise started recovery on my own.

    Today I’m still learning better ways to cope. I know I’ve acknowledged my behavior to my housemate but I still worry that my naivete really wounded him for 2 reasons:
    1. I had no idea that eating disorders were considered addictions
    2. I wasn’t entirely clear on what co-dependency actually was until he said that his addiction was other people with addictions.

    Part of my recovery is getting over this person and accepting that he’s a part of my life that I’m not having anymore. In addition to an eating disorder I’m beginning to think that I might be addicted to *him*, or, more specifically, the idea of him.

    I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice. I stared watching the episodes of intervention that are on Netflix because, while I can never even begin to understand what he and his family have been through, I wish I could empathize.

    I’m doing much better now that I was months ago. One helpful thing I’ve learned is that, while I have zero control over the past and how people treat me, I *do* have control over learning from my mistakes and how I want my future to unfold. I’d be lying if I said it was easy; some days are way worse than others.

    I still care about my housemate but I know the best course of action would be to not contact him for a very, very long time or ever again. I just hope he finds peace and recovery wherever he is.

    I wish the same to everyone else struggling with an addiction, because you need to take care of you too.

    Posted by Frances | May 11, 2015, 3:39 pm
    • Thanks for writing. You articulated your situation really well. I’m not gonna give you advice but I will recommend some Intervention episodes that I think are very revealing and instructive about co-dependency. The family members/loved ones in these episodes stand out to me as either particularly co-dependent or as very aware of the co-dependency and trying hard to fight it: Eric, Chris, Lawrence, Jimmy, and Kristin. You should be able to watch most of these episodes on the A&E site.

      Posted by Dizzy | May 11, 2015, 4:48 pm
  7. Hey a huge fan here. Mom of 2 on with disabilities due to an illness. 6 days a week great mom- going g out beach rwstaraunts playgrounds etc. But I need 1 night of play. Drink and coke to release my anger of ths week

    Posted by lisa | May 12, 2015, 2:15 am
  8. I’ve recently been binge watching a lot of Intervention. I started by just watching the eating disorder episodes, as I have an eating disorder myself, but then found myself watching episodes about other addictions and being able to relate to all of the addicts. One episode that really stuck with me was John C.’s. He reminds me of myself a lot: too smart for his own good. The thing about my eating disorder is I am completely aware of what I’m doing. I’m completely aware of the risks but I just can’t stop. I’ve been to residential treatment for my eating disorder twice and nothing sticks. Like I said, I’m too smart for my own good. In treatment, I know how to manipulate my way out. I know how to convince everyone I’m doing well to the point where I can even convince myself. I hate what this is doing to my family. My mom and my brother are all I have and I know my behavior is hurting them. I used to be really blind to this. In the past, I’ve struggled with self harm (am now almost a year self harm free, woot!) and I vividly remember telling my mom that I should be able to cut myself because the only person I was hurting was myself and I truly believed that. Much like a functioning alcoholic, I would consider myself a functioning anoretic/bulimic. I’m not dangerously underweight and I can get through the day on few to no calories. I’m in school and actually doing incredibly well. I truthfully don’t see this ever ending. I’ve had an eating disorder since I was eight so it feels like it’s all I know. I also just don’t care about myself. I’ve tried to recover for my mom and my brother’s sake before, but the truth is if you don’t want recovery for yourself it’s not going to happen. How do you get someone to care about themselves when they just don’t? It’s good to know that I’m not alone in this struggle. Thank you, Dizzy for creating this website and this thread.

    Posted by April | May 20, 2015, 11:30 am
  9. I recently learned that my weekly support group has been cancelled for good. I was in shock because it was totally unexpected. As a deaf person, it is so important that go to weekly meetings to maintain my sobriety. Not only that, they have provided an interpreter for the last 5 years which I am forever grateful for. It practically saved my life.

    I have been an opiate addict for more than ten years and now sober the last 5. If I did not get help and support, I would be dead by now. Thanks to this Addiction and Recovery Center, it’s been a life changing experience in which brought me back on my path, and without having access to interpreters, I would never make it, so I have been very fortunate for their compassion. I am very sad that this group is dissolving, and I am very nervous because I am not sure where to go to maintain my sobriety.

    I’ve checked for support groups and virtually none are available due to lack of interpreters. I’ve also checked for online services without any luck.

    I need to ensure that I still have support but not sure what to do or where to go for ongoing weekly support or something. Do any of you have any suggestions or ideas? Something that would be very beneficial and helpful?

    Thank you all for the wonderful support on this website.

    Posted by Jon | June 19, 2015, 10:11 am
  10. It doesn’t take long working as an addictions counselor to have “seen it all.”
    I find these episodes very accurate except for two things: Many people suffering from addiction don’t have the family support depicted. Very many have families that are riddled with addicts who are actively using and are in no position to help themselves, nevermind mount an intervention.
    Also, who can afford these exclusive recovery spas? The vast majority of addicts get what Medicaid will pay for – not much…
    They are forced to go to twelve step meetings by probation or parole so they are not exactly open to the change those principles

    Posted by Patricia | July 8, 2015, 4:36 pm
    • I have a tendency to shut off the program around when the intervention actually begins because that’s when I stop relating the addicts personally for these reasons.

      I walked myself into in-patient rehab in June 2014 to get off of meth. That’s not a point of pride; I was pathetic, out of options, and I couldn’t even afford the treatment I was asking for. My stay went well overall; the only blight was my acquiescence to a group family session that wound up putting me on the spot to mediate a family meltdown, which was far from therapeutic.

      I stayed sober for a year, and relapsed last month on a prescription of Dexedrine. Different formulation, same story. I wish Jeff VanVonderen would come public about his relapse, because relapse is a phenomenon whose inexplicability runs deeply against the grain of 12-step rationality. I *know* how to get back on my feet, but I have no idea *how*.

      Detoxing from speed is no joke. It’s not even possible to begin physically functioning in the few days most institutions allot to you, were you willing to spend the cash. There needs to be a non-institutional resource for addicts who “slip” into physical dependence who aren’t enabled by a third party. Or at least, I need that at this moment.

      Posted by Andy | September 17, 2015, 3:44 am
  11. Sorry – dog bumped my typing hand lol.
    Here’s what I meant to say:

    They are not exactly open to the inspiration to change that those programs can engender.

    We are losing our best and our brightest to opiates and opioids. What used to be a sneaky joint behind the school is now a handful of pills stolen from grandma.

    I’ve seen how quickly this progresses to heroin and then death. DARE is a joke. We have to become less pill happy as a culture –

    Also, sometimes the famiky IS the problem and you have to save yourself and find a new one.

    Posted by Patricia | July 8, 2015, 4:43 pm
  12. Amazing. I cant believe I stumbled across this site. Dizzy, you are amazing. And I know you will continue to be amazing. I, too, am a functioning alcoholic. The craziest thing is, no one knows, except my 11 year old son, who when he tells my family this, I have the “authority” to downplay my drinking to them, so they don’t believe him. I am a full-time working single mom of 1. I own my own home, I have a good paying career, I have all my ducks in order. I’ve never been dependent on anyone or anything. Except that. That one thing. I cant really say I had a “trigger”, I had a great childhood, a great family-life, still do. My folks have been together for 40 years, they, my sister and brother and I all live within a mile of each other..We are THAT close..:-) Yeah, some shitty relationships, but nothing that really “broke” me. I was always a social drinker throughout my 20’s and such, but never a “i cant wait for that drink” moment. Then I met my now boyfriend, who is an amazing man, hes a great partner, a great dad to my son (whos not his). I couldn’t ask for better. He is an Iraq war vet, and after 4 years together, he comes home and tells me he isn’t happy. Not that he isn’t happy with me, or us. He just wants a change. So he made a move from our hometown and went 800 miles away to set up a house for us. Being without him, I couldn’t handle it all by myself. Suddenly, drinking every couple of nights, to every other night, to now, damn near every night. I still function, somewhat. My son is well taken care of, I don’t yell or get mad at him or anything like that, but I know he knows when ive been drinking. And it hurts. And it makes me feel like a failure and makes me want to drink more. I don’t know what it is about addiction. I hate it, so much. I’va watched friends, family, loved ones, die of such. Why do I do it to myself? I am sooo much better and stronger than this. But the shame and guilt I would feel coming out to my family, I don’t think I could do. I can only help myself.

    Posted by Gina | July 29, 2015, 4:36 pm
  13. Gina, So many of us have been where you are. Force yourself to get to (preferably)a Women’s AA meeting. The only requirement is the desire to get sober. You can do this. Shame is your addiction,’s number one weapon. See how nicely it works by keeping you in check? Frozen and unable to make a move because of shame you continue to drink not knowing what else to do and it’s almost automatic because the cravings are so powerful. You can break this cycle. Get to a meeting. Then be honest with yourself. Do you need a medical detox? Alcohol is very dangerous to detox from alone. It can cause convulsions and death. If you are drinking a lot and have been drinking a lot you for a long time you need to be assessed by a professional.
    Addiction lives in the darkness – it requires that you live in secret shame. Without that, addiction couldn’t live. Recovery requires light – you have to put all your cards on the table and accept that you are human and not perfect. I know it’s scary but consider this: It just might be the very best, most liberating thing you’ve ever done. Blessings

    Posted by Patricia | August 1, 2015, 11:16 am
  14. I’m a 22 year addict (opiates/other drugs). Started off at 8 yrs old eating marijuana brownies and being forced to smoke water bongs with musician parents. At age 8, I performed in bars on a very famous street for tips and learned how to hustle playing dice money. I was drugged with heroin at age 8 by my stepfather because he and my mother were playing in the band that night and I wouldn’t go to sleep.
    Fast forward to being left with strangers while they traveled playing in the band, to being given peppermint schapps at age 9 by a babysitter. I was a very active, undiagnosed hyper child who rarely slept, so I guess I could be annoying at times.
    My mother ended up shooting my stepfather from his abuse towards both of us, I mean SEVERE abuse, then loosing my mom to prison.
    My father won custody and while he was a loving, funny, amazing man, he was dealing with his own cocaine habit to loose weight. My father was born a 12lb baby and struggled with his weight his whole life,tipping the scales at 400lbs once. But to me he was beautiful, his laugh infectious, and he tried his best, but the cocaine put us in great despair financially, and I had to start hustling again at age 10 to make $ for food. And I found his cocaine stash at age 11, which I began to sell on the side and finally got busted at school. The 1st time I tried cocaine was at age 11.
    I’m in my 40’s now and I’ve struggled so much over the past 22 years…and I use the number of 22 because that’s where my full blown opiate addiction began. I’ve done things I’m not proud of..still carry the nickname “Hustler” around.
    My father is now deceased (age 47). My mother has HEP C from her previous IV drug use (which she got diagnosed at age 47).
    I’ve been married for 19 years and have 2 children now, two precious grandsons and fortunately, neither of my children have been addicted to drugs, or had any curiousity to try them. My addiction was too much for them to bear at times, so blessings to them for putting up with me.
    After failed attempts at rehab, sobriety, suboxone/methadone treatment…I’m just a lost cause with a good soul. I’d do anything in the world for those who need anything. Loves caring for animals, especially rescue rabbits.
    My life has beautiful points and significant dents. I’m light and very, very dark. INTERVENTION would help me, perhaps, but I’d never want to harm my children or grandsons by putting my face out there.
    Thanks for reading. Sorry, if it’s hard to follow, it’s 4 am and I’m emo. Lol.

    Posted by Shalla | August 24, 2015, 12:44 am
  15. I’m not responding to just one comment..I’d just like to share my story, and hope it will help someone. I’m a 33 year old mom of a little 2 year old boy, that’s my world. I’ve been struggling with addiction most of my life, but didn’t realize I was sick until after my mother overdosed in 2005. She was terminally ill. She was dying of scleroderma, and suffered from addiction most of her life. She was in so much pain from her disease, she needed pain pills to live….at least that’s what she always said. I didn’t believe her…I felt she used being sick as a way to use drugs….she was doing alot of using that I was unaware of. I found out after she died, she was trading her opiates for xanex and mixing all her other medications, which is what killed her. I was mad as hell at her. I was destroyed, my heart couldn’t take the pain and mentally I was gone, needless to say this was beginning of my down fall. I knew my mother had a rough life…and I knew exactly what not to do being a child of addicted parents, but I did the opposite. I started with pills and quickly moved to heroin and the needle. I was more in love with the needle then the actual drug. I couldn’t believe the feeling that a shot of dope did for me. I was happy, I could talk to people, I was everything I wasn’t when I was high. My addiction wad found out, because like most, I was arrested and thrown in jail….not once but several times. Which landed me a 5 year sentence in prison. I did almost 3 years of that 5 year sentence. I came home and quickly….actually before I even left prison…was looking for a crutch….i was put on suboxone. I’ve been on suboxone for the last 4 years. I became pregnant with my little guy shortly after losing my first baby at 7 months pregnant. I was on subutex while pregnant with both of them….i felt incredibly guilty. I thought I lost my first baby because of the subutex. Of course I was told that had nothing to do with it….and I never really dealt with the lose of him, I ended up pregnant again only 2 months later….and was again feeling guilty because I didn’t make the responsible decision to get of the subutex before becoming pregnant again. But I was told I didn’t need to feel that way. He came out perfect and had little to no withdrawals…they didn’t have to medicate him and I felt extremely lucky to have such a healthy baby. He’s everything to me now and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He has kept me grounded. I struggle still….I’m still on suboxone and find it hard to even think about getting off it. It scares me that it’s been my crutch for so long and I live in a city where heroin is readily available….so I’m living with this crutch that I wish I never met! I want to live life with nothing, no crutches. The older my son gets the more I think about it and don’t want him to see his mother have this hanging over her head. I want him to know its possible to live life, just how life is! It’s possible and I know it is.

    Posted by Kim | October 13, 2015, 8:54 pm
  16. I have read each and every comment so far and I commend you all for being so open. My story isn’t grim nor was my life charmed. I come from a good family and I’ve been open to all of them about my addiction. My father just tells me all I have to do is just stop my mother enables me financially and my only sibling knows but he won’t talk to me about it. I became addicted to opiates in 2006 when I met my ex husband as I live in coal country he was a coal miner and we had it good for a while had it under control until my son was born then something in me changed and even tho the happiest time in my life should have been anyway I could find no happiness so I began using more and so did my husband then we began fighting physically and things got nasty and when I tried to leave he tried to kill himself so he ended up getting evaluated then sent to detox thinking it was the perfect time to get myself help I went also and luckily insurance paid for it but I was only able to stay through detox before I had to get outta there I thought after seven days I was miraculously healed so I get home and maintain sobriety for about 2 months the problem I found with staying sober was that there weren’t very good support meetings to go to. I live so far away from town but the worse problem I had was that my whole town is high on pills. There is no one my age who isn’t addicted to opiates. My whole town needs an intervention. So my husband and I ended up divorcing basically just because we couldn’t stop fighting over drugs and my son has been an innocent bystander just as the rest of the family. I carry such tremendous guilt and worry for my son. I do have a new guy whom I’ve been with for 3 years but he is an addict to pills also. I love him but we enable each other and I feel as long as we’re together I will never get clean. But he has provided me and my son with a beautiful home and he’s trying but I feel like in the end …addiction will get the best of me,us,and my poor son will be the one to suffer. I want to change so bad but I can’t leave the house without seeing or running into someone with pills and my whole town is plagued with it. Sorry for the run on sentences. Really needed to just say all that. I feel hopeless at this point. I need an intervention.

    Posted by karen | March 15, 2016, 7:20 pm
  17. Hey, Dizzy and all who read this! Dizzy, I wish you would try to stop drinking again. You are not doing yourself any favors by being a ‘functional alcoholic’.

    Sobriety is boring, I agree. I was a cokehead in the 80’s. I quit, cold turkey after I blew through my entire inheritance. I had justified my habit by saying, ‘it wasn’t my money to begin with’. In reality, I was lost, lonely and not dealing well with my parents deaths. But, I left those druggie friends, and moved on to better things.

    I drank in college, but, I never liked the taste or lack of control. My father was an alcoholic who quit cold turkey too.

    I smoked cigarettes and pot on and off from 10 years old until the year 2000. I was finding it hard to breathe, so again, cold turkey, on the cigs, at least. I still smoked pot. More than ever after quitting the cigs, until 2011, even after I had been busted for possession in 2009.

    After I gave up the marijuana, I started smoking Spice. That was a bad idea, but, it seemed easier because it doesn’t show up in the basic pee tests. I quit for almost a year, and then picked it up again. I was spending $20-50/day on a few grams. My partner filmed me passed out while I was sitting up, as well as mumbling incoherently, and looking worse than a heroin addict. I lost over 50lbs in a few months, even though I still ate regularly.

    I don’t know what was in that crap, maybe a bit of angel dust (PCP), or fentanyl, but, not only was it highly addictive, I couldn’t breathe, my teeth were getting stained, I had a terrible cough, and I was running out of money, and my boss knew something wasn’t right.

    I knew I needed to stop, but, I didn’t want to, I enjoyed the buzz. Then, came the DUI. So, I got busted while under the influence of spice. Since then, May 2015, I haven’t smoked anything. But, my ‘high risk’ behavior has me in counseling and DUI classes. I am almost finished with my probation.

    What really stinks is I have been clean and sober for almost a year and yet, I have to be punished by taking these classes. They don’t apply to me. But, this is my penalty. Any thoughts, folks?

    Posted by Melissa | March 22, 2016, 6:38 pm
  18. Hi, Melissa! You certainly have been through a lot; I’m so glad you’ve made it through to this point. Being clean and sober for most of a year is an amazing accomplishment, and you should be proud. My opinion is that you should not look at the classes as punishment, but as opportunities to learn additional tools to help you get through the inevitable stressful situations that come your way so you reduce your chances of relapsing. I mean, you must attend these classes and counseling regardless, so why not try to find something positive and useful in them? You never know what might trigger a relapse, so the more tools in your kit the better. Just my opinion, and I wish you all the best.

    Posted by Shannon | March 23, 2016, 8:52 am
    • Thanks Shannon. I don’t consider myself an addict, At 51 years old, I have been able to quit unhealthy behaviors and stay committed to that mindset whenever necessary, throughout my life. I will look for the good in the group sessions. Thank you for your thoughts!

      Posted by Melissa | March 23, 2016, 2:28 pm
  19. I admire your resolve, Melissa; I wish I could say the same, but I must admit that I struggle with mine. I wish you all the best.

    Posted by Shannon | March 23, 2016, 6:42 pm
  20. So, so sad. Brittany was so young, and had such a bright future, my heart goes out to her family.

    Posted by Emace | August 25, 2016, 6:06 am
  21. Some light reading I just ran across.

    The darkly glamorous and important story of America’s first rehab
    A mixture of jazz musicians, desperate addicts, and questionable science on a farm in Kentucky.

    https://timeline.com/story-americas-first-rehab-e42b0bd82ede#.5z1e9gowo

    Posted by Elvee | September 27, 2016, 4:18 pm

Leave a Reply

Cross-Category Search

Select a category:
Select another: